Internal Debate

It’s been two and a half months since my arrival here in France. In many ways it feels like I’ve been here much longer. In such a short time I have gotten used to my life here: my apartment, my job as an English teaching assistant, my friends, etc. Thinking of the last time I was home in Rockford seems long ago, as if it’s been seven months already.

Even though I am used to living in France again and even though I’ve grown comfortable with my surroundings, I am still acutely aware of the significance of it all. I have somewhat of a routine here: preparing lessons in the evenings, teaching roughly ten hours per week, eating dinner at Alex’s several nights a week, going out for casual drinks often with friends, running errands in town. The day-to-day happenings are similar to typical life the United States, with the exception of the language spoken. I have more “normal” days than not, or at least what is normal to me here. I am not on vacation, I do not have infinite time nor infinite resources. I still have to do things like clean my apartment, do laundry, maintain a budget, go to the grocery store, go to work, and spend time at home preparing lessons (homework). The sound of it and the reality of it do possess a certain mundane quality; however, despite the regularity of it all I appreciate the uniqueness of this opportunity to live in a foreign country.

It’s because I consciously try to be so aware of my fortunate situation that I feel compelled to always being doing something. If I desire to take a few days to keep to myself, watch some American films, lounge in my sweats, I can’t help but feel more than a twinge of guilt. Rationally, I know I shouldn’t feel guilty because I do spend a significant amount of time out and about, experiencing my environment instead of observing it. But it’s because I want to take every advantage of my good fortune that I find it almost unacceptable to stay in on a weekend evening or stay home even for just one day. When I do decide I’d rather stay in, the thought that I should be “seizing the day” is bouncing around in my mind, preventing me from enjoying some quiet time to relax. Most of us have a similar internal debate, just slightly differing in its details. The heart of the conflict for myself and for all of us: what I am doing, versus what I think I should be doing.

For many of my friends in their young to mid- twenties, this conflict pertains to the desire to dream, explore, and continue individual growth (because let’s face it, even though we’re considered adults now we are in many ways still unsure of the path we want our lives to take) which is in disaccord with the expectations and pressures (presented by society, our parents, and ourselves) to begin a career, get married, and essentially begin the rest of our lives in sync with the “American Dream” standard.

In a way, my time here in France is a delay of my entrance in to “the real world”. I finished college unsure of what field of work I wish to enter and unwilling to commit to an unfulfilling job merely to save money while I wait for my calling. My responsible superego suggests I should take a job and devote serious time to deciding on a career path, while my adventurous and satisfaction-seeking id wants me to keep traveling, keep trying new things until I find my calling, and continue to being uncommitted in many aspects of my life. Whether this gig in France is an attempt to delay adulthood or the quenching of a thirst for adventure, this “quarter life crisis” struggle will be waiting for me upon my return to the States. For now, I’ll concentrate my energy on calming my aforementioned internal debate, attempting to enjoy each moment of whatever it is I’m doing, whether it’s exploring France or lounging in my pajamas.